Relationships Built On Sand, Will Not Stand

The human ego is a funny beast. We walk around wondering why we have to experience so many problems in our life.

After all…life…it should be easier than it is, right?

Believing so dependently on that assumption, we begin to bullshit ourselves (and others) – as a way to avoid actually facing the problem, the pain or situation. We often don’t want to acknowledge that problems are a process of strengthening character.

After all, bullshitting ourselves is easier than doing what feels like feeding a rusty steel coil rod clamp into our ear, forcing it through the circuitry of our brain, twisting it around until we can pinch the claws of the clamp onto the problem and then painfully dragging it back through all that brain matter, out of our earlobe and into the cold light of day – so we can see it for what it really is.

We’ve all been susceptible to bullshitting ourselves at one time or another because we could not recognise what the actual problem was or see the “real” seed from which it was grown.

So the personal bullshit we fed ourselves was merely to maintain that surface sanity. We’d create and falsely identify with minion problems because we couldn’t recognise the “Felonious Gru” problem.

That is why there are so many couple relationships built on dependency, rather than growth.

In other words, some people stay together because one is as equally fucked up as the other.  They’ve made a nonverbal agreement to accept each other’s bullshit, because neither knows how to use the rusty steel coil clamp to root out the real problem in each other’s lives.

Quite often, one partner is fulfilling the other partner’s personal inadequacy, and vice versa – much like an infinity loop of ill-conceived dependency in the relationship – an emotional “hamster wheel”.

One fears the other leaving them because they’ve not recognised the root problem in their own identity – they’ve always relied on the other to band-aid their emotional wounds and muzzle their inner gremlin.

Some may say…well that’s okay, that’s how some relationships are made – our inadequacies help to balance each other out.

Granted, that can be true – and many partners act as savour to the other, bringing them back from the brink of despair. Where quite often the person in despair can come out on the other end and contribute a lot more interdependence and growth in the relationship as a result.

But the problem is when people become heavily reliant on someone else to consistently fulfill their inadequacy.

Rather than actually confronting the problem and facing it head on in order to develop that essence in their character – many people’s contribution to a relationship is motivated by making sure that their needs are met – which is dependency, not growth.

This is where they experience one step forward, two steps back until they grind each other to the ground.

You see this in working environments also. So many people would much prefer to not have to make decisions…that are solely dependent on others and would rather curl up, suck their thumb and grizzle about how their needs are not being met.

It’s ironic, because they’ve not recognised that they in fact relinquish all entitlement to having their needs being met when they decided to depend on someone else to fix all their fucking problems.

Vulnerability and/or fear are the biggest causes of arguments in a relationship.

It’s often not recognised for what is it is though – it’s often disguised as “I’ve worked all day, I’ve not had any time to prepare a meal, so I grabbed the kids takeaway, and you telling me I am not providing them with a nutritious meal validates my insecurity that I’m a not a good parent…and for that, I hate you”.

Being the “accuser” in this is situation is like road-blocking the “accused” path of love and connection to their children – to them it feels like witnessing a fox dragging the baby chicks out the nest. So you have to expect that the “accused” is going to have some pretty serious grievances and solid ground for a heated argument with the “accuser”.

After all, they are reacting out of fear – their emotional vulnerability in thinking they are not being a good parent has been exploited. The accuser doesn’t often see it this way though, nor was it the accuser’s intention – they just want healthy kids, eating a nutritious meal.

Therefore their own fear of the kids not eating well completely overrides any understanding that the “accused” was completely strapped for time and had no other choice but to seek the quickest, though not the most reliable, option to feed the children. Nobody is really at fault. And the fear that each of them experience is equally valid.

However, it’s the bullshit that they tell each other (minion problems) that fuel the consistent arguments because they never ever really go in deep with the rusty spring coil clamp and dig out the real (Gru) problem – which is addressing their own insecurities, fears and vulnerabilities openly and honestly.

this old love
         “This Old Love” by Carl (CAKUart) – Oil on canvas – 55cm x 65 cm – painting has a white frame, hanging wire and signed by the artist.

This painting in the blog post represents my appreciation for a couple who can communicate their appreciation very well.  They’ve got to a stage in their life where they completely feel calm and understood in one another’s presence. They have grown and helped to fulfill one another in life. They have a relationship built authenticity, patience and being present.

This old love will never die.

Best,

Carl